Firstly, this episode occurs sometime in the second season, and has a minor spoiler for "Gillian of the Spirits". There is also a serious amount of Red Dwarf included here......
Secondly: The following story is intended for entertainment purposes only. This document can be freely distributed with the condition that no part of the text is modified, and this notice is included with all copies.
Some characters and elements of this story are the property of St Clare Entertainment/Sci Fi Channel or Grant Naylor productions and are used without authorization. No copyright infringement is intended. The author receives no compensation from the distribution of this work. Any comments or criticism would be welcome.
After hitting the hard, gray floor, Wade scrambled out of the way before the others could land on her. They were in some sort of corridor, an unusual place to arrive, but not completely unheard of. She wasn't looking when the others landed, choosing instead to survey their surroundings, but she did notice that it was unusually quiet.
"You were quiet, guys," Wade remarked.
"Guess why," said Quinn, stretching cautiously.
"I give in, why?" Wade folded her arms.
"The Professor's not here," Quinn and Rembrandt chimed simultaneously.
"But." Wade's voice trailed off in surprise.
"I hope the Dominion exists here," Remmy looked around. "Don't know how we're gonna find him otherwise."
"I think we have more immediate problems." Quinn looked worried, as he often did. "There's some sort of intruder alert been triggered."
"Oh man, now what?" whined Remmy. "Can't things ever go right, just once I'd like to get here, go for a three course."
".Remmy? Where's Wade?" Quinn looked round, Wade had gone.
Wade had noticed that the corridor seemed to be part of something with an incredibly high level of technology, and she was quite keen to see if she could find any interesting computer equipment. She was so preoccupied that it wasn't until she saw some virtual reality equipment and turned to point it out to Quinn, that she realised he wasn't there.
"It's stopped," said Quinn, hardly daring to breathe.
"What has, man? Speak English." Remmy was puzzled.
"The alert."
The monitor in front of them lit up suddenly and Wade's face appeared.
"How're you doing, guys?" Wade asked.
"Wade! How'd you get in there?" Quinn's jaw dropped in amazement. "How did you stop the alert?"
"Easy," grinned Wade smugly. "I'm now part of the ship's computer, it needs a personality to run."
"Ship?" Remmy looked worried, "what ship, girl?"
"This is a spaceship orbiting the Earth." Wade replied.
For once, Quinn was speechless.
Wade continued gleefully, "I found the Professor too. Remember that time you were on the astral plane, Quinn? Well that's what's happened to the Professor."
Quinn reached into his pocket to check the timer, it was working perfectly, counting down to the next window in 4 days.
"And I think this ship has the technology to let him talk to us," Wade informed them.
"Wow," said Remmy. "I may grow to like this place. Professor can't land on you, and all this technology lyin' round. All we need is food, and we'll have arrived in heaven. Well, and maybe an audience. So, what about food, girl?"
Wade didn't reply immediately, instead the Professor materialised. Then she turned back to Remmy. "Free food, I think the nearest machine's down that corridor."
"Yes!" exclaimed Remmy, marching off down the corridor. "I'm gonna get me something to eat." As he walked he noticed a full sized mirror on the wall and couldn't resist stopping to admire himself for a moment. "Looking good, Cryin' Man," he said to himself. As he resumed his search for the food machine, Remmy began to sing happily to himself, "I got tears in my fro."
"This is so damnably frustrating, not being able to touch anything." The Professor waved his hand through Quinn's body for the umpteenth time.
"Been there, done that," remarked Quinn, cheekily.
The Professor glared at him. "I can't eat anything, can't touch anything. I can't even smell anything. For the duration of this slide, my boy, you are going to have to be my sense of touch."
Quinn raised an eyebrow. "Oh yeah? And where were you back on low technology world. You wouldn't even talk to me!"
"How was I supposed to know you were really there, boy?" roared the Professor. "You have visual proof of my continued existence."
"Hey, guys," Remmy called to them. "Check out this sharp suit I found back there. Is this gonna knock the ladies out or what?"
As Quinn chuckled quietly, the Professor began shouting. "I'm reduced to existing entirely of light and you go on about some clothes! Mr. Brown."
"How's it going, guys?" Wade's voice came from the screen. "Busy?"
"As a matter of fact, Miss Wells, I am. Kindly explain what you did to cause me to end up in this state," responded the Professor crossly.
"Me? You must've been struck by lightning or something, like Quinn was. I didn't do anything, just allowed you to communicate with us."
"Did it occur to you that perhaps some temporary privacy and complete control of my body would be preferable to this existence?"
"No pleasing some people," replied Wade, turning the Professor's hair a startling shade of pink for just long enough to make Quinn and Rembrandt laugh.
Trying to distract the Professor from their giggles, Quinn asked, "did you have a reason popping up?"
"Oh yes," replied Wade, absently. "This computer is incredible, you should see the things it can do. They even know about Sliding."
.".Miss Wells! Kindly explain why it is that my legs have mysteriously wandered off down the corridor without the rest of me," interrupted the Professor.
"Err, sorry Professor. I think I was. I'll get the hang of it soon." Wade looked sheepish.
"Sorry! Please be more careful with my anatomy in future." The Professor glared at her, "women," he muttered, raising his eyes to the ceiling.
"Uh oh," said Wade, causing all three of the others to panic.
"What?" They chorused.
"I think I made the ship leave orbit."
"Every time," moaned the Professor. "every world we see we tell you not to get involved. Yet every time you end up getting us all into some ridiculous tangle. You are hopeless woman."
"Sometimes something has to be done," Quinn tried to help Wade out.
"And sometimes things should be left well alone. Mind you, I think your causing the odd limb to go wandering off by itself tops my list." The Professor continued to complain.
"I'll just turn the ship around," said Wade, quietly.
"With your navigational skills we'll probably end up orbiting Betelgeuse," muttered the Professor.
Wade frowned on the screen. "I'm just turning us round, guys. Be back round Earth soon."
Meanwhile the Professor's feet started trying to do a little dance, and the ship began to rock violently.
"Good grief, girl. Stop that, you're putting me right off my food," whined Remmy, clutching his stomach.
Suddenly another face appeared on the screen beside Wade.
"Who's Maggie?" Asked Quinn.
"I am Maggie 6000, the ship's back up personality. I am hereby taking control of this ship, the primary personality has endangered the lives of the crew and will be retired," replied the face.
"You can't do that." Quinn tried to support Wade. "She was doing OK."
"Too right," added Wade.
"She was meddling with things she did not understand unnecessarily," announced Maggie.
"That explains a lot," remarked the Professor.
"I was not!" Wade shouted indignantly. "I turned us back towards home, didn't I."
"No," said Maggie. "You aimed the ship directly at the sun."
"Girl, you should leave the computer to the professionals now," chuckled Remmy.
"You can't do this, Maggie. This is mutiny!" Wade cried.
The others were silent, even Quinn couldn't think of anything to say in her defense. Maggie transferred Wade to a portable TV screen and took over the computer.
"I run the ship now, I'll create some discipline in the team," announced Maggie.
"Well done, Maggie," said the Professor. "Perhaps I could have my feet back now?"
"You know how to get us home, Maggie?" Asked Remmy, remembering what Wade had said about Sliding technology. "Back to Earth Prime?"
"I do," replied Maggie.
"Yes!" Rembrandt did a little dance, and spun round on the spot in glee. "In that case, I'd better go get myself ready for my big comeback."
Quinn looked down at Wade on the TV screen, she was obviously still furious. "Come on, no need to sit in the computer now," he told her.
"I can't get out," said Wade. "I think Maggie's got me. I keep trying, but the headset won't come off."
"Where is it?" Quinn looked concerned.
"Follow me." Wade started the wheels on her portable screen, and Quinn followed.
They reached the small room with the virtual reality gear, and found Wade's body completely hooked in, struggling to free itself.
Quinn strode into the room, or rather he thought he did. As he crossed the threshold of the door frame, he was suddenly thrown back into the corridor.
"Intrusion detected. Virtual reality suite being cleared of all oxygen."
"No!" Cried Quinn. "Stop Maggie. You'll kill Wade, endanger a member of the crew. There is no intrusion."
Maggie inspected the room suspiciously. "Alert cancelled."
The Professor awoke to hear a loud ringing, apparently in his ears. He came round a little to realise that it was his alarm clock.
"Off!" He bellowed, sliding back into bed from his half sitting position. Quinn stirred slightly at the noise, but didn't actually wake.
As the Professor lay back again, the alarm once more went off. "OFF!" The Professor bellowed again, fully waking Quinn in the process.
"Maggie, would you kindly explain why you have woken me at 6am?" The Professor glared at the face on the screen.
"That's what time you asked for," she replied glibly.
"I most certainly did not!" The Professor stormed.
"You said you wanted to get an early start."
"Ah," said the Professor. "Well as the others would understand, that means a relaxing wake up call around 10." He lay back again, satisfied that the problem had been solved.
Maggie rang the alarm again.
"OFF!" The Professor glared at her once again. "What now?"
"You have to exercise. It's regulations."
"Exercise? I have no need of exercise, I get plenty of that getting this lot out of trouble."
"Regulations," repeated Maggie.
Suddenly the Professor was flat on the floor and doing sit ups. He wasn't entirely sure of how he got there, but he could tell it was through no choice of his own.
"No! I can't do this! It'll kill me. Stop this at once, Maggie," the Professor gasped.
Quinn watched the exchange, vaguely amused.
"Don't just sit there, boy," the Professor instructed his former student. "Do something."
"Like what?" Quinn shrugged.
"Anything!"
"It'll do you good Professor. Getting some exercise in."
"Traitor," said the Professor, meaningfully.
"Nice one, Maggie," chuckled Quinn.
Apparently the sit ups were complete. The Professor stood up again and gasped for air. But Maggie had other plans.
"You're not finished yet, soldier," she announced to the Professor.
"I am not a soldier, young lady!" exclaimed the Professor.
"You still have to do a five mile run. Regulations, all holograms must.."
"Five miles?" The Professor felt weak at the knees. "I can't run five miles."
Maggie wasn't taking no for an answer, she guided his body into the corridor and forced him to jog.
Remmy had been having a peculiar morning. It had started off well. After waking and finding himself the most stylish suit he'd laid his hands on in months, he had decided to take a stroll around the ship. Then things had started to go wrong. Firstly there had been these two mechanical things wandering round painting the walls, that was quite odd. Then the Professor had gone past jogging, that was beyond odd and into bizarre. Finally Remmy had decided he needed some food to calm his nerves, so he set off to find the machine he had found the previous day.
Quinn groaned and hauled himself out of bed. His eyelids drooped as if he hadn't slept in weeks. "Maggie?" He addressed the screen.
"Yes."
"I'm going to work on the timer. Do you have any information on how to set it for home?"
"I do," she replied.
"Can you give me a hand then," Quinn stated, not really asking a question at all.
Maggie never answered, at that point Remmy walked in.
"I can't get any food. What happened, Q-ball? Why won't any of the machines give me anything to eat? Why do we always have trouble with the food?"
Quinn raised an eyebrow and turned to Maggie. "Maggie, why won't any of the machines give Remmy any food?"
"You have run out of credits. You want to eat, you've got to work."
"Oh man," whined Remmy.
"But I was going to work on the timer," protested Quinn.
"Both of you," announced Maggie.
Quinn and Remmy soon were set to work polishing floors.
Remmy looked down at his new suit. "Man, this suit is gonna be ruined," he moaned. "how long have we been doing this Q-ball?"
"10 minutes," muttered Quinn.
"How long have we go to do it, man?"
"All day," groaned Quinn.
"The Cryin' Man reduced to polishing floors. This has to be an all time low. Can't eat without doing menial labour and ruining my new suit. This is ridiculous."
"So put the overalls on," pointed out Quinn, exasperated. Quinn already looked as if he'd fallen into a huge mud puddle then dragged backwards through a hedge, whilst Remmy still looked clean and tidy.
"You kiddin'? What if some gorgeous girl comes by and sees me in them? What if I'm recognised? I'll never live it down."
Quinn sighed, it was going to be a very long day.
Wade wheeled up to them. "Hi guys, how's it going?"
"Wade! Are you OK?" Asked Quinn.
"Hey girl. Look at what Maggie's got us doing. I just wasn't meant for this sort of thing, you've got to think of something."
"Yeah," added Quinn. "There has to be something we can do."
"Are you sure I can do the job?" Asked Wade.
"Yes," Quinn and Remmy answered in unison.
"I'll prove it if you like," she offered.
"No need," said Quinn.
"I want to prove it. Ask me anything," insisted Wade.
"OK, errr," Quinn wracked his brains for a suitable question. "What's six times nine?"
"Oh, so you want me to prove it now, do you?"
"No." Quinn tried to back off a little.
"Clearly calculating that will prove it."
"No, it doesn't matter." Quinn was confused.
"Are you sure you wouldn't prefer a sports question?" suggested Wade. "Or a space question maybe. Like which planet is the Earth around the sun."
"OK, which planet is the Earth around our sun?" Quinn asked obediently.
Wade looked down and consulted a star chart contained in the Junior Encyclopedia of Space. "The third planet," she replied, eventually.
"That's right," Quinn congratulated her.
"Am I restored in your confidence as the right girl for the job?" asked Wade.
The Professor jogged past and screamed, "yes!"
"Then wait for my signal," smiled Wade, wheeling off down the corridor whistling happily to herself.
Finally Quinn and Remmy had made it to the end of the day. Quinn sat down ready to eat, much to the Professor's amusement.
Cautiously, Quinn looked into the food container. Maggie had given him a slice of toast and a single pea.
"That's it. I can't take anymore. I give up." Quinn thumped the table hard. "I can't survive on this."
The Professor stood behind him, desperately trying not to laugh.
Quinn began his meal, accidentally sending the pea flying across the room.
"I've lost my pea! Did you see it, Professor? I earned that pea, I'm going to eat it no matter what." Quinn began moving various items from the floor.
"It went into yesterday's socks, my boy," chuckled the Professor.
"Oh," said Quinn, dejected. "I'll just eat the toast."
Maggie was watching Quinn and Remmy cleaning the main control room, and the Professor doing press ups in one corner, when she heard a whistling noise from down the corridor. Wade wheeled into the room nonchalantly.
"Maggie? I challenge you to a duel. The game of your choice, the loser gets erased," announced Wade.
"OK, Wade," smiled Maggie. "How about tanks?"
"You don't want to play Space Invaders?"
"Tanks."
"Galaxians, maybe?"
"Tanks."
"Frogger? Pole Position?"
"Tanks."
"So you want to play tanks then?"
"Yes," said Maggie.
"OK, transfer me to the monitor," said Wade.
Quinn and Remmy watched aghast, while the Professor continued to do press ups under Maggie's control.
"I sure hope that girl knows what she's doing," muttered Remmy.
"Wade! She'll beat you don't do this," whispered Quinn.
"The battle began.
"Back 5, up 150, fire," ordered Maggie, watching her tank fire very close to Wade.
"Errr, up a bit, bit more. Shoot," said Wade.
"Down 3, fire," Maggie directed her tank.
"Down a little. Forwards . stop. Fire." Wade missed completely.
"Up 1. Fire." Maggie destroyed Wade's tank. As there was a short animation of the tank exploding, Maggie turned to Wade.
"You lose. And the loser gets erased."
"Best of three?" suggested Wade.
"You lose."
"Another game?"
"You get erased."
Wade sighed and apparently accepted her fate.
For a moment Maggie disappeared, she even stopped making the Professor exercise, so that Wade could say goodbye to the others.
"Don't forget me, guys. I hope you get your fame Remmy. And Professor, I hope you get to publish some of your theories again. And Quinn . well, I hope you get everyone home, and see your Mother again. Tell my Mother." Wade faded out.
The others looked at one another, devastated. A tear fell from Quinn's eye, and Remmy put a hand on his shoulder.
Maggie reappeared on the screen "Well, I've only got one thing to say to you."
"What?" Asked Remmy.
"April Fool!" shouted Maggie in Wade's voice.
As the others stood with their mouths wide open. Maggie disappeared from the screen altogether, and a few minutes later Wade walked into the room.
"Wade! Quinn rushed up to her and put his hands on her shoulders. "I'm going to get you for that. We were so worried!" he laughed.
Before Quinn could get too carried away with planning his revenge, the timer beeped.
"How far away from the Earth are we?" asked the Professor.
"We're not. We're right where we started," said Wade. "How stupid do you think I am?"
"I apologise, Miss Wells." The Professor bowed slightly, "but don't think you're getting away with it."
Quinn sighed, "we never got to use their database though."
"There wasn't one," laughed Wade.
Quinn smiled and shook his head, pointing the vortex towards the front of the room.
"Come on then, guys," grinned Remmy. "Last one into the big blue whirly thing gets to buy dinner."
The Professor sighed, "that's hardly fair, Mr. Brown. You know full well
that I have to wait for the wormhole to enter the astral plane." He
fancied he could still hear Rembrandt chuckling to himself as he travelled to
the next world.
